If I am still your friend...

My joy feels so painfully wrong. Even to laugh or smile. Remembering the yesteryears of being unattached and careless are long gone. Nothing feels the same anymore. Is it wrong to feel hatred for you when all you did was tell the truth to prevent any more pain? I didnt feel any pain before this though. Maybe its me. Forgetting everything would turn me into some hideous egoist. But it's not your fault though. You did what was best for us. I hope. Im still hoping.

Are you sad? Crying? Looking at your phone each time first thing you wake up and before you get your night's sleep. What are you thinking? I wish I knew. But that weakling of the memories won't venture further; ultimately afraid of the answer.

You drop me, I feel misled. Then you wanted back, it was confusion from there. One question; thats all it took to break apart, for the second blow. I didnt even mean for that question to lead to the end. What irks me is I cannot hate you. Hate you for making me cry and yearn. Instead I would equally forgive you for the number of sorry's you have said. Still confused here. What you are sorry for. I feel it was me to begin with, and I don't know why I feel that way. Will you care if I got cuts on my hands again? Or if Im tired and aching from long journeys? Would you listen to my complaints and woes for that day? You'll just want to end the message like Im some kind of ... disease. Though messages from you changes me totally. A little spark of joy from a tunnel of darkness. Even for a little while. Its always been that way for me since then. What about you?

Confusion still lingers. Getting over it is difficult if confusion lingers. Still dont get it..
At times maybe I feel that I dont want to get it.

Probably its the differences. Our different little worlds just decided to collide and pass by. Say hello and goodbye. I dont know whats real and whats not. I dont even know what am I doing stuck at work anymore. Two reasons that does not link to make sense. But fret not,still hoping, hoping you'll stay happy, even in someone else's arms.

I know you love privacy. Doubting anyone would be reading this blog, even you. So its safe, beautiful.
Resistance


"The night has reached his end
We can't pretend
We must run
We must run
It's time to run"I could still smell you; it lingers on my leather bag,
I could still feel you; when i touch my neck,
I could still hear you; when i hide under the covers,
I could still taste you; whenever i go to your favourite fast food restaurant..

I could still find a way to make it without you.

Considering the not-so-many-good dreams that I have been getting lately, with that said, not even enough sleep, I suddenly want that one dream to come back to me, badly. The one where I run and run and just fly up through the beautiful green trees, over the oceans and into the clouds. It was a dream that I had many, many years ago and it made me feel .. free and happy. This dream did come back. Sometimes on consecutive nights. I'd wake up, smiling and feeling confident that I could achieve anything and everything I want in this world.
I guess growing up and facing the harsh reality of the society and life has burst my safe bubble.

Ok back to reality. Before, I didn't know what in the friggin world I was doing stuck in this rathole of a course and doing nothing at all that interests me in the least (I guess He is fair cause of all the wonderful friends that came along with it). Yet now, it all seems so clear. Ok maybe my mind may not be that clear yet but it will when its counterpart heals (so what else is new?).

Ahh dreams, family, friends and yea, love. Its a fight till the end. Till you can't fight no more. Which I assume will be the day you die. Yes, die. Family comes first, no doubt. They are the ones that'll protect your ass when its getting in hot soup. Friends? They'll probably cant protect your ass that much, but they will be your oxygen tank when you cannot breathe cause your ass is scalding and hurting you. Dreams? Well, I guess our many little aspirations and goals makes you stop pushing yourself into hot soup further and stop living altogether. That wills you to go on further and make your ass look fineee and back in shape bebeh. Love? Hmm. Love love lovee. Whats family, friends and dreams without love? Nothing really. Whats love without sharing it with someone special? Meaningless I guess.


Who am I kidding here.


Hoping won't make it all come back.

Memory Lane.It is so f*cking difficult to please everyone.

It gets even worse when all you can really do is deal with it all from the comfort of your home.

So you are probably wondering; all I do is sit at home and do nothing but watch teevee, eat, sleep, clean and shit. There is totally nothing that could go wrong. Tet. Everything that could go wrong; did. Especially when it comes to friends that you consider your lifeguards or those wildcards you have when you feel you're in "deep shit".

And "deep shit" is what I am in right now. In all the wrong departments, with all the right friends. No amount of explanation or bullcrapping could make up because it will end up sounding pathetic ... isnt that always the case. Huh.

Now the best thing to hope for is to curl up in bed and make it all go away .

This makes missing the crazy poly friends even more worse ...
The only thing I want to do on the 12th of March is eat, eat, smile and eat.


"Im ten years old. My life is half over and I dont even know if I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes!"
- Marty the Zebra

Ahh the wonders of going through the motions of self-identity and making yourself be "something" or "someone". I have gone through 2 years of pre-school, 6 years of primary education, 4 years of secondary and before I elaborate any further, I stopped recognizing myself once poly became a part of my life. Like a midst in the ocean breeze, mindlessly tailing the crowds that are STRIVING to reach the end i.e, graduate.

With any hope or self-esteem that I have left in me, I will collect every last puzzle and piece it all back together before it really starts to affect someone I love and who loves me back. Its a mission. A promise.

Y'know how when your dreams turn out to be suhweeeeet, the moment you wake up you'll feel..curiously happy? and vice versa. I didnt realise that until a friend of mine said "ouhh so is that why you're so happy today?", after I told my dream that is. That kept me wondering, does it really affect our mood in reality? Ok nvm I know it does affect. Heck, even other people's dreams affect me. How I wish theres a program list to choose what kind of dreams you want to subscribe to. Mad friends laughing together during a mega-huge gathering: check. Family sitting around a table enjoying a nice dinner and catching up on each other's hullaballos (we dont do those kinda things much around this house):check check!. Me running..running..running and eventually flying through the skies with an idiotic smile on my face: omgg check. Being chased by a pack of dogs at my aunt's void deck: hell no. A loved one passing away: not in a million dreams. See now how lovely we would be if we had nice sugary dreams? even for just a day.

Ouh right, talking about Madagascar, which leads me to think about my friends (not that I associate them with zebras, lions or a HIPPO personally. wahahahha.), its just that without these different species in my social life, it would not be that interesting and happening(?). Right..so for instance, there's the hyenas. Alot of them, mind you. The baboons. Owls here and there. A few tigers/lions. Probably a couple of snakes. Ouh parrots too. One polar bear for an all-round hibernation period? You'll probably know who that is hehhe. Pig, rat, catss, dogs, urghh roosters, sheeps that follow their big leader around. Ok dah stop!

What i'm trying to get at is our life's like a jungle basically. Ok maybe a zoo la. Sheeps and polar bears dont junglelize *giggles* k stop it. In all honesty, without them, we wouldn't be who we are now. That character and personality that they shaped us into until this point. And as we go along meeting other species, be it a gorilla or an eagle, we'll change. For good or bad, God knows. In my zoo, a few of my baboons has changed..

But I'll still love them all the same (: